The LAST time I
ate breakfast with my whole family at home.
“Wake up, Do Hyun. It’s already
7:50. You have to go to your school. ”
“Mom, can I sleep for 5 more
minutes?”
“Nope, you should eat breakfast
before you go to your school. So, wake up and eat breakfast.”
Although it was really hard and
frustrating for me to wake up when I was attending middle school, I always had
something to eat everyday when I woke up. When I woke up, there was just “food”
on the table. Around the table, there were only my younger brother, my mom, and
two empty seats, which were seats for my sister and my father. Because my
sister was attending boarding school and writing a journal and father was busy
preparing his start of the days, they never showed up on breakfast table. Without
any conversations, we just ate breakfast for just 5 minutes. This is a
description of my family’s breakfast when I was 9th grade.
After I attend boarding school, I
do not have time to meet even my family. Definitely, I did not have times to
eat breakfast with my family. Unfortunately, my family went to the United
States last year, a fact that deleted the last opportunity to eat breakfast
with my whole family. Then, when is my first time I had breakfast with my whole
family?
It was so hard for me to remember
the day I had breakfast with my whole family at home talking to each other. But
I believe the “last” time my family gathered together on breakfast was one day
around February 2011, a day before I entered boarding school. As I wake up
late, because it was during winter vacation, I so whole family waiting for me
to gather breakfast. My sister went home because she finished her research. My
whole family gathered together giving me some advices or words that push me to
live diligently. I remember my father saying “I am proud of you. I believe you
will do well in boarding school if you sleep late.” That is all of the memory I
have on my last breakfast with family.
I envy some friends who have good
relationships with their family members. I hope my family to be heartwarming
and joyful. But my family doesn’t share much things one another. We do not
really have conversations at home. I just wonder when I will have warm
breakfast with my family.
As discussed in class, the topic is an instant hit. We all eat breakfast and we all have families, and we all take for granted the true value of a true family gathering where true family wisdom becomes evident. You get off to a good start with the banter at the table (some of it could contribute more to a better theme), but quickly run out of gas and the essay lacks direction and focus and message. You know that. You also have a ton of room for a more words, which should and could include goshiwan, older sister, parents in Seattle. All things that MUST be in this essay to give it more depth.
답글삭제As for your writing, it has improved a lot, BUT concision (getting to the point quickly and effectively) is what you need to focus on while cutting your word count in half. Re-read your essay and focus on the word "family" and how many times it is repeated and unnecessary.
Theme and content are your strengths, now you just need to work on getting stuff on the page effectively. Good start.