Darkness embraced me. Only small
room with emptiness stayed in my sight. Alone in the one-room, I assimilated
into the loneliness, the feeling that never felt before, the feeling that
bloomed as my parents live across the ocean. Only the small bed, the small
desk, and the small refrigerator are staying together with me, and 9 square
meter area trapping me.
Typing www.youtube.com, typing Eminem-Mocking
bird, I logged into Facebook,
watching photos that I took with friends, after the class ended. Friends who
were there served out emptiness of family. As I remembered the moment of joy
with my friends, as I imaged the moment, the loneliness kept rooting through my
body.
No one to eat with, and nothing to
eat except instant foods. Three options for dinner: Going to McDonald’s and ordering Cheese burger set, or cooking instant
noodle which can be easily cooked, and going to a restaurant alone. In those
three, 3rd option was hardly done. As usual, I grabbed a burger that
I bought during way to the one-room. As usual, a cheese burger.
It is my night-life after studying
APs in private academy.
Feeling of frustration suddenly
swooped me. A result of loneliness and tiresome as I live in
a small, limited, suppressing room for a month. Totally isolated from social
life. Longing for a freedom, I just grabbed my phone and went outside, where
people enjoying their night life with their friends or others. Can’t understand
why they are so happy and laughing, or maybe I was just jealous about them. I was
alone walking around the town. No one to talk with. No one there to listen to my words.
Wandering around, I found the playground in
front of me. There was no one but me in the playground. Riding a swing, I remembered
the days when I was very young child who had a dream to be an artist, but whom
failed to achieve it as my parents disagreed. The day when I fought with my
parents for my own dream I ran away from the house and cried on a swing. Contrast with my youth, I, as a teenager, do not have specific goal or value that makes me
live. My life is like a swinging trapeze that does not have a definite
destination and swirling around but somewhat has limited movements.
“Ah...Can I stop this kind of life?
I am sick of this.”
Tears burst. That night, moon
watched me crying under her. I really wanted to escape. Escape from the
reality. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t because of the sacrifice that my parents
have done to make me exist, as Do Hyun Lee.
“Should I just abandon my duty over
parents? But no I can’t. How can a son ignore his parents’ sacrifice? But then
how can I live my life?”
My life, a production of parents’
interests and sacrifice, is a life of lab rat which is trapped in the puzzle. Nowhere
to go, but heading somewhere unknown. Or someone is designing the rat to move
somewhere, although the rat doesn’t want to move but want to have time to think.
Thinking something unknown, people
might say it is waste of time, but that’s what I really want. Think about
things that are abstract, think about things that seem to have no solutions, think
about life, think about academics, think about people, think about love, think
about future, think about the world and society, and think about think itself.
Those are what I really need and want for this moment and for future. Those are
values that I want to pursue. Although I am not sure where these thoughts will
lead my life, I am sure that these will lead somewhere I could enjoy my
life.
2:00 a.m. A text message from my
sister: Are you living well?
Answer: Totally, yes.
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